When I took myself off of my anti-depressant, I did so because I was curious to experience how I would feel without it. In other words, would the depression be gone? I wanted to see if there was a part of myself that I had been missing that the drug had kept hidden? I have taken them off and on, for fifteen or so years. I’ve been off of them now, for over two months.
I feel porous and raw where I once felt complete and secure. I watch the news, and become frightened. Things that would normally not cause me to be afraid like losing income, getting older, returning a phone call from a friend, now make me freeze up and isolate. In my life, I feel like an imposter, no matter what I have done in my career, it all feels like I’ve been acting! Everyone else, to me, feels like their adults, except me. When I feel like this, I feel the overwhelming helplessness of a child. I notice that I don’t feel like I have any power. I will acquiesce more to others suggestions than I normally would when on my anti-depressant. I don’t care now; it’s just easier not to have a discussion about it. I’m also terrified that people can see this darkness inside of me. I’m angry more often. I think this is how I noticed the change in my mood more. I never got real angry on the medication, now I get indignant, easily offended and have blown up at complete strangers. I swear too much. I don’t like being an angry person. The anger is like venom that once expressed leaves me feeling empty and ashamed.
One therapist told me it’s how I express my loss of power. I get angry then at myself and I express this through self indulgent drug taking and days of reckless sex. I remember when I was younger, in retrospect, I guess I was always running from it (depression), from the jobs I chose, to being overly concerned about my appearance and my need to please everyone.
I don’t drink and I don’t normally take drugs for pleasure, but I do waste a lot of time
now. I wonder how my life would have been different had I not been driven to choosing things, that I now understand, were fueled by my depression, rather than a sense of fearlessness? Depression is such a waste of time.
I don’t want to grow older being angry. There is so much more that I want to do in my life.
~
The above client has since returned to taking their antidepressant.
John Shinavier - MA, RYT, LC 
This is very interesting. I have shared these exact feelings and fears. My experience for the last 20 something years clean in recovery from my pleasure seeking or more true to fact self destructive behavior has brought me through even more intense situations that used to “freeze” me in my tracks. I can not help noticing for me the drug free method of living has been an eye opener. I do believe my addiction surfaced through my actions trying to deal with the crippling depression that seemed unstoppable at the time. I was so beat up and numb by the self prescribed medication for ten years I chose to refuse taking any more. Without going too much farther other to say being drug free has not been a perfect solution. I still deal with moments of anger, self doubt, fears and self destructive behavior. I have come to accept these moments as part of my human condition and a sign something needs to be looked at, dealt with or changed. These times have become cherished learning experiences and have brought forth some awesome results and experiences. I can not say if the medication path would have been better. There is certainly that possibility.
I am responding to this post to remind myself and share my gratitude. I have and am going through a time of great loss. In these times questioning myself and my actions are the rule of thumb. Feeling and acknowledging this loss is not easy. My tendencies are to slip in the depression and avoid feeling. Thank you for this avenue of expression. I hope my personal experience dealing with my own depression helps someone else, sharing it has helped me.
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