John Shinavier - MA, RYT, LC

 Conflict / Resolution

How to change the way we communicate with each other when emotions are high.

1. Awareness is first.  (I am going to do this differently this time!)
2. Agree on a hand signal or a simple word like Popcorn when your not available to talk yet.   Agree to respect this in your partner.
3. Sometimes we are crushed for time, so give your partner a time when you will be available to talk.  In this way you show that you are listening to them.
4. Nothing is resolved when your angry, so don’t even try.
5. Take notes on what upsets you at home, and bring them into your therapy.  (We all have busy lives and writing something down is the key to remembering it.)
6. See, honestly, what your part in it is. (Be honest with yourself.)
7. Discuss the problem with your significant other.  (When their available!)
8. You may find out that some are not conflicts, and that change, will and can be easier than you thought.
9. The importance of the above is that you move your awareness (how you process things, and how you willingly want to change your behavior) to share it with him/her.  This is true intimacy.
10. Since you’re not expressing your feelings at the time (backing down or confused) where else are they coming out?  (Unconscious behaviors, addictions etc.)
11. How is this behavior slowly destroying the relationship?
12. Are you willing to change??  (Now we’re talking!)
13. If so, what are the trade- off?   Remember the word COMPROMISE?  It’s not just a word that you read about.  It’s the cornerstone of every good relationship.
14. Remember your role models for communicating?  Do you really want to continue that cycle or do you want to make up your own?

John J. Shinavier MA, MFT Int., CYT, Life Coach

2012  May 13th  Under Couples Blog